Twenty-Five Reasons I Might Call You a Jackass
2. You tell me that the government taxes me for my own good.
3. You look at me with that “you’re eating a poor dead animal” look as I consume my medium-rare rib-eye.
4. You happen to mention that I share my name with that aforementioned ass-clown.
5. You fail to put on your turn signal before turning into the same place that I have been trying for 10 minutes to get out of.
6. You get in the left lane on the interstate and drive at or below the posted speed limit.
7. You leave your shopping cart to roam aimlessly about the parking lot where it inevitably finds my driver’s side door.
8. You spout off some asinine comment about how I am doing my daughter a disservice by keeping her out of public schools.
9. You complain about what a mess our country has become, but you don’t vote.
10. You tell me that the UN serves any purpose other than providing totalitarian scumbags with a pulpit from which to beat the US.
11. You burn down a car dealership in order to provide the East Podunk Spotted Walking Lizard with room to stretch its legs.
12. You fart and try to blame it on anyone other than yourself.
13. You support Affirmative Action when it comes to college admittance, but not when selling cookies.
14. You stand so close to me on the elevator that I can smell the pimento cheese sandwich you had for lunch when we are the only two people on board.
15. You snort when you laugh.
16. You claim that I am the one who is misinformed as I debunk your tales of man-made global warming.
17. You say you are moving out of the country if “Candidate X” wins, but fail to do so.
18. You blame the failure of public schools on lack of funding.
19. You walk around in public with your size 24 ass squeezed into a pair of size 14 spandex shorts.
20. You sit at the traffic light picking your nose for 10 seconds after it has turned green.
21. You sue someone else for something that is your own fault.
22. You try to pass off a list of “positive” rights as anything other than entitlements.
23. You think that your needs are somehow a claim to anything that belongs to me.
24. You claim to support the military as you call them thieves, murderers, and thugs.
25. You defy any other classification.